back up blog

In 2013 I re-established a relationship with my father, and it has altered my life. I’ve never written about the dynamic I have with dad -- not on this blog, not anywhere. It’s tricky. I want to be honest on this space, to feed my truth, because that’s why I’m here. I write it out, and hope somebody puts up a hand to say, “Oh hey! Me too!” and then we can all feel a bit less alone. But there are some things it just isn’t fair to blog about, no matter how much it might help me to “talk”. I can’t tell somebody else’s story, and this was a tale so intrinsically bound to somebody else’s that I’ve simply not mentioned it. I couldn’t. I still won’t write about it. Not really. I want to reach out to others who are on uneven footing with their parents and risk losing one of the most special parts of their lives if they don’t find the courage to change something, both within themselves, and in their relationships. I can’t get into the nitty gritty of it, though, because it’s not past perfect, y

‘Yes, well Laura, you see, you’re always upset by something, aren’t you?’ she spat. It was after I explained to her that actually, what she’d said to me two days before, when we’d argued and I’d seemingly let it go, it had upset me. I used the word “disgusted”, actually. That what she’d said to me in anger had disgusted me. I meant it. I’d made a decision she didn’t like, a decision about me, and my life, a decision that really had very little to do with her at all, one that made me unbelievably happy. I thought she’d be thrilled for me too. But her response was unexpectedly vicious. She listed the shortcomings in my character, my relationships, even the lowest of the low, my family , as if that were her proof that I was wrong. She went right for the jugular, spewing irrelevant poison that I accepted as truth, because inexplicably I thought I deserved it. I reasoned that if her reaction were so strong, I must’ve really fucked up. She said these hurtful, horrible things with such confi