back up blog

This weekend I had a meltdown. A purge, almost. It’d been brewing. I needed it. I went into town with a friend, a fellow dreamer who I hadn’t seen since before the summer. Together we whiled away an afternoon in a tiny Italian we discovered off Portobello Road. And Internet, we drank. It was sort of an accident. And yet, I’ve been drinking a lot lately. An awful lot. It was one of those perfect, unplanned days where one bottle leads to another, and we talked about every.single.last.thing. We used rudimentary Italian with the waiter who decided, with a glint in his eye, that he’d really like “English lessons” and requested my phone number to organise such an event, and as we exited a band was playing in the square opposite and Jack said, “Let’s dance!” and so we did. The moments between flinging my bag to the floor and the first roll of my hips were non-existent. The crowd cheered and applauded. We laughed, and we laughed, and we laughed, and then we left. I came home to flowers on my

I said, These weeks together – the food, the talking, the walking – it has been everything. If the rest of my life were eating pasta by your side, staring at the sea, that’d be some life. I said, four years ago I wasn’t brave enough to tell you. Two years ago when we met again, I missed my chance. But now – I’m telling you: I love you. He said: I want to do this properly. I want a partner, a wife. Let’s go slow. Be deliberate. I trusted him. * He never tired of telling me how much he adored me. Respected me. That I was his pedestal girl, his reference point, the one whose opinion counted more than all others. And when somebody makes you feel like the most important cheerleader in their life, you want to step up to that. Play the part. Oh, you think this is supportive? I’ll show you how goddamn supportive I can be. The river wept when Narcissus drowned, because in his eyes its own beauty was reflected. In his eyes, I saw my best self. Perhaps that is what I fell in love with.   * We’ve