I blame the parents.

Dear The Mothers of Rome,

Please find outlined important notes on child rearing, for
your immediate attention.

1.     Your
7 year-old should not be interrupting my lesson to say, ‘Teacher, I really need
to make a poo but when there is no bidet my mother normally wipes for me.’ Should
this situation arise, your child will return home with either a dirty arsehole
because he can’t clean himself, or a dirty arsehole because he shat himself
from trying to hold it in. As an English teacher and not a Shit Attendant,
neither of these is my problem.

2.     If
your 3 year-old cannot aim for the toilet bowl with over 75% accuracy then do
not let him use my bathroom unattended. I am not responsible for mopping the
floor, wiping down the sink, and cleaning the OUTSIDE OF THE CISTERN any more
than you are responsible for changing my tampons.

3.     If
your child has a bad flatulence problem, CHANGE HIS DIET. Those smells are not
natural, no matter how silently they are omitted. When the kid who eats the
glue sticks stops to ask what the heck that stink is, that stink is BAD.

4.     How
is it possible that your 5 year-old son has bad breath? HOW?

5.     i)
If we arrange a parent-teacher meeting, it is polite to show up.

ii) If we are arrange a
parent-teacher meeting, it is polite to have your children wait in the next
room with another teacher, not on your knee where you pay more attention to
them than to what I am saying about points 1 through 4.

iii) If we arrange a
parent-teacher meeting, it is polite not to have three of your friends come
with you for moral support. In fact, that’s just weird because this is English
School, not Mean Girls, and embarrassing for everybody concerned when my
purpose for calling you in is to tell you that Giovanni likes to lick the
walls.

6.     It
is inappropriate to declare that under no circumstances should your child
ever be singled out for disciplinary measures. If you don’t want me to tell
your child off, teach him in the privacy of your own home that screaming ‘GO
FUCK YOURSELF, WHAT DICKS’ at 6 years old isn’t how we respond when we don’t
get what we want. At least not unless we blog it, anyway.

7.     If
I ask you what your child says about English class at home, and you reply that
you don’t ever ask about English class at home, you might want to rethink your
approach to parenting.

8.     If
the human rights lawyers can make it to pick up their children every week, so
can the desperate housewives. When your Polish nanny doesn’t understand the
Italian child or the English teacher, I’d put money on the fact that your child
knows they are a third priority to your hair appointment and the dog.

9.     If
your child asks for help in putting on their shoes by handing them to you and
then laying on their back with a foot in the air, AND THEN YOU DO IT, you are
failing at parenting and at having respect for yourself. Both sadden me. And
your husband.

To conclude: if you do not have the time or energy to raise
decent human beings, you shouldn’t have kids. And if you do, they aren’t people
I want in my classroom as kids, or in my bed as the adults they will become.
Because the adults they become will be just like you.

That isn’t a good thing.

Love,

Laura

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