Then, Now, Later
And the truth is
You gotta have
the balls to change
- Vinnie Jones
Because
I am a mental, I happen to believe that the universe is designed in such a way
that parts of my life plan have already been written.
I
believe that it’s my job- in this version of my life (because, of course, we
have probably have seven, as per the String
Theory of Physics)- to figure out how to get where my ultimate purpose already
lies. My ultimate purpose was written long ago, and now requires that I use my
own freewill and self-determination to reach it. The result is there, it’s just
kind of waiting for my efforts to
join it. But if I don’t reach my ultimate purpose this time around, I get another
life, and to try again.
Each
life I live is informed by the previous one, so in each existence I am (in
theory) more adept at fulfilling my personal legend as I play the Computer Game
of Life over and over, learning the tricks and the special ways of winning. With every new life I get
another chance at progressing to the next ‘level’, and eventually I will have a
sort of peak episodic moment of epiphany and then disappear into the ether
forever because I WON THE WORLD. Hopefully in a cloud of glitter smoke. And to
somewhere with rice balls.
Public
service announcement: I appreciate that
maybe you won’t all be totally with me on this. I kind of expect that. But I
have a point- I promise.
I
believe that our destiny was written by us before we were even born, when we
were angels. We decided who we would meet along this path toward fulfilling our
destiny so that they could help us.
In my
imagination, there’s a dozen or so fellow angels appointed to our journey. We
have to follow our hearts, heed the omens, and listen to the universe- live purposefully- in order to recognise
who these angels are.
They
aren’t always noble and kind, these angels. Sometimes, the angels we appointed
to ourselves, back when we were invisible in the skies of something bigger than
what we are conscious of now here on earth,
were precisely because they lack
angle-like qualities. The bitch at the office, that frenemy you can’t quite shake- they are as worthy as teachers for
us, the eternal students of life, as the man you met when you had just stopped
believing in love for love’s sake, or the author who you cried to when you met
her because she seemed to know you better than you know yourself.
It’s
all part of something bigger- random doesn’t exist. It’s all happening exactly how it should be happening.
I’ve
written extensively about my quest to fulfil my potential this year, a journey
that I supposed would involve watching a few more films and being smarter about
my choice of literature. Maybe fulfilling my potential would involve partying a
bit less, and working a bit harder. A few more vegetables. Smiling more.
I was
totally unprepared for the past eight months to be a sort of social experiment
documented online, wherein I turned my insides onto the outside for extreme self-examination.
Fulfilling my potential has become an analysis made up of many whys, and as I have given myself the
space to wonder about the reasons behind
how I live my life, I’ve been able to see how it is holding me back from
progressing to the next level in the Computer Game of My Imagination.
I
said long ago that I could feel the wind beneath my sails changing, but that I
couldn’t figure out how, exactly, at
that moment.
Slowly,
carefully, painfully, I feel like I
am rising to the surface of a really deep plunge-pool, and starting to
understand the process I have deliberately and tenaciously put myself through
this year. I never thought I’d be this girl- I mean, I’ve written about some
real hippy shit. Who knew I had it in me?
But
now, as I see the sunlight dappling on the surface of this deep-ass water I
call The Year of Potential, I have to
recognise that it’s time to kick a little faster toward where I can take a huge
gulp of new, fresh, unknown air, and
spend some time doing rather than thinking.
I’m
going on holiday today, visiting friends and reading and writing letters to strangers and sleeping and partying and drinking (but definitely not smoking), and over this next week I want to remember
to say, I learnt something, now I’m
going to do something.
To
let it marinade, I’m going offline for a week, which basically feels like
forever. But I need that time to percolate. I just need a little break. To
think. They tell me it’s good for you.
I’m
ready to stop talking about these big
old lessons, and start applying them
instead. My destiny is waiting for me, and after all this self-assessment and
psychology, I think I’m ready to grab it by the balls and say proudly, TODAY
I’M MY OWN ANGEL.
I’m
gonna be my own motherfucking guide for a while.
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