back up blog

Bikini waxist: Oh! Lucky you! You get 15% off today. Me: That's ironic.  I thought you'd already taken off 100%... Nobody laughed.

What I wanted to write: Laura Jane Williams Likes : free drinks from cute boys, something pretty to look at, attention. Dislikes : miserable fuckers. Worst habit : unprotected casual sex. Just kidding! I nearly always make them wear a condom. Secret crush : You. Yes. You. Embarrassing moment : That time I couldn't remember his name. Dream job : Pillow-fluffer to Billy Bob Thornton. You might not know this but I'm ... Willing to experiment. My friends think I'm...  too loud/rude/like a 14-year-old-girl/offensive/insensitive/too sassy/combative/forgetful/indiscreet. What they made me write instead: Laura Jane Williams Likes: dancing like no-one is watching, free drinks, Veggie Lasagna Tuesdays, saying yes to life. Dislikes: early mornings, cucumber, people that don't laugh at themselves. Worst habit: using funny voices in everyday speech. Secret crush: You. Yes. You. Embarrassing moment: breaking my Italian host family's organic toilet after too much pasta. Dream job:...

So I sat outside of the house with Jess , having a fag and slurping on the dregs of a blush wine. I know. I spend a few weeks on the continent and I'm all blush wine this and sorry, that's the Italian word that. I've changed, Internet. I've changed. Next I'll be issuing demands to the staff not to look me in the eye and be employing my own nose-blower who will be paid extra for having the skill to navigate the nose piercing. She probably used to work for Joss Stone and is the best nose-blower this side of Barbara Streisand. (I love her.) I stumped out my menthol on the curb and rubbed my belly. "Bloody hell," I said, "My tummy feels like it is about to explode." I shifted around a bit, aware that having partaken in our first Veggie Lasagna Tuesday I could just be digesting the copious amounts of aubergine and courgette when the main part of my diet whilst fending for myself the past two weeks has been mushroom and gorgonzola pizza. My colon did...

Me: I've never defrosted a freezer before, you see. Friend's Mum: Well yes. I can see that. And I thought I was doing a grand job of such a grown-up task.

I'm hooooooome! I'm so excited that I just farted as I squealed and a little bit of poop shot out. In the past 48-hours I have bade a ciao for now to Italy, a country most probably never again to be experienced by me as an employee and best left to explore as a tourist who doesn't have anywhere to be so IT DOESN'T EVEN MATTER IF YOU TAKE ALL AFTERNOON AND SIX PEOPLE TO SORT OUT THE TECH PROBLEM or THE PAPERWORK IS IN THE BACK AND YOU CAN'T BE ARSED TO GO FIND IT? OKAY! SURE! NO PROBLEM ITALY. HAVE YOUR MACCHIATO FIRST. I'll see myself out. In six weeks I'll be sobbing tears of frustration that I ever left. Probably. I landed Saturday night and promptly went for a McDonalds, then to bed without a shower, and I woke up seven hours later to move my life- moving, always moving- in glittered pink plastic boxes to my new home. Since leaving home at 19 (incidentally, to move in with my boyfriend. At 19. WITH MY BOYFRIEND.) I have lived with a lover, all on my own...

I am so close to returning back home that I can smell that familiar odor of Papa's homophobic jibes, university-based drunken sexual regret, and the achey funny feeling in my tummy I get when I am so hungry I could die but still won't crawl out from under the duvet to open a packet of Aldi pasta. The blue air of many a profanity is buzzing into focus, tainted with the dirty language of early mornings and terrible weather. The anticipation of all of those to-do lists and exercise timetables, written with new starts in mind but becoming screwed up and angst-ridden paper balls in the trash bin, excites me to the very core AND I'M NOT EVEN KIDDING. England. I've missed you. Italy wants me gone. Of that I am sure. The sun no longer blazes on my back as I stand in samey school courtyard after samey school courtyard, shouting out body parts and prepositions and trying not to confuse Marco one with Marco two with Marco three. Shout out FRANCESCA! FEDERICO! and GIANLUCA! in any ...

Me, on Skype : I just felt really nostalgic about home all of a sudden. Sat in the window, having a cup of earl grey and a menthol Vogue, watching the storm pass over Salerno ... Mum : Eeeee, yeah. I was sat in the Tesco's in Stoke having a cuppa tea myself today and thought how lovely it will be to have you home. See. What isn't to miss?