Perving on Innocent Strangers

Dear the Fit Grey-Haired Man I See in la Feltrinelli Most Days,



Hey!
Wassup? So urm, like, I was totally wondering if you were, you know, urm, checking
me out the other day? Because it totes felt like you were. And you see, goshthisissoembarrassing, if you were, I
just wanted to say that, well, HAHAHAHA! I’ve been checking you out too.

Well.
That and those warm croissants they serve up really do make my mouth water like
that. Fat bitch.

I
wanted to tell you that I really like your hair. It kinda looks like you dye it
grey on purpose. If you do then that’s really cool. If you don’t then I totes
don’t mind- grey hair on younger men is attractive. Makes you look
distinguished. You don’t look like, you know, OLD or anything. Because you must
be like what, 34? 35? That’s a great age. Let me just tell you that I really
like your age.

And
your shoes. Are they new?

Last
week when I was here that old couple who I spoke Italian to replied back to me
in English. I could tell that you were watching and that you were a bit
confused. That’s because I AM English. I just make my Italian up. Like, if I’m
not just a tourist and apparently I live here why don’t I speak Italian? I
heard you think. (If I translated properly, anyway.) I KNOW, RIGHT?

And
that kinda brings me on to my next question: parla Inglesi? No problem if not.
I can just continue to add vowels to normal words in order to communicate with
you. Or we can just have sex and not talk at all. Whatever.

At
lunch that day my colleague and I wrote a letter to the universe out loud and
we were all, HEY UNIVERSE, HAVE THE GREY-HAIRED MAN IN LA FELTRINELLI TALK TO
LAURA and the Universe was like, TOTALLY. SURE. NO PROBLEM. HERE YOU GO and I
was all, UNIVERSE! THAT WAS THE WRONG GREY-HAIRED MAN! and The Universe was all
like I’M DOING MY BEST! BE MORE SPECIFIC NEXT TIME! THERE’S LIKE A BILLION
PEOPLE I TEND TO DAILY YOU KNOW.

Because
The Universe didn’t get the memo about the world revolving around me.

You
had your friends join you yesterday, and you guys sat on the table next to me
and you were talking about film and awards and intellectual stuff that I didn’t
quite catch but you got all excited and passionate and it made me hot and when
I said permesso to get by your table
what I really meant was Talk to me.
Seduce me. Educate me about all the things you naughty little grey-haired
thirtysomething with the eyes that twinkle with naughty.

Fit
Grey-Haired Man I See in la Feltrinelli Most
Days: if you get this and want to maybe have like, you know, a conversation or
a dinner date or a mud-wrestle one day, just let me know. I pretend to look
busy at my computer but really I’m just Googling naked celebrities and making
calendars on Excel called How Many Days Til I Go To England And Eat Hobnobs. I
really like biscuits. And your face.

Yours
hopefully,

Laura
Jane Williams x