Sensitive to Very Bad Words? Fast-forward this one.

My pet name for Mama is FAT BITCH. It's funny because she is half my size, forever aware of her food intake, and bullying people for being skinny is total LOLs. OHMYGODI'MKIDDING. And so one evening in front of the TV, when she asked Dad to get her half a glass of water and an ibroprofen, I turned to her and christened her Fat Bitch because I mean, gluttonous much? The calories on those headache pills are a lifetime on the hips Ms. One-Way Ticket to The Third Circle Of Hell.



In other news: anorexic jokes aren't funny.



Also: this is not to be confused with Fat Pat, under which she is saved in my phone. It's an EastEnders thing.



Mama laughed down the Skype-cam. You know how we use Fat Bitch? she said and I was all, remember when you gave me my graduation card and actually called me 1st Class Bitch? And she was like, uh-huh yeah but that doesn't help my story right now LAURA.



Sorry, Mama. Where were we? Fat Bitch. Okay. Go.



Well, they use the naughty NAUGHTY word with each other, she said. You know. THE REALLY BAD ONE. I was all like, huh? and Mama was all WINK-WINK theonethatstartswiththeletterc and then I got it. Mama was all, but they've made up a code for it now and I was all like, well okay that seems a bit less funny and Mama was like, yeah instead of the word now they just say to each other I'LL SEE YOU ON TUESDAY because that's the letters for it.



No, I said. That's the letters for CUOT.



Oh, she said. I must've got it wrong.



And that's the story of the inappropriate relationship I have with my mother.