Blame mercury.

Internet, you know how on Monday I was
all, I went to visit my friend in Milan and,
she taught me all sorts of awesome things and,
when I told her she was teaching me all sorts of awesome
things she was like, “D'uh. That's what friends do.” Remember
how then I was a bit like, OH. HI NEW RULES FOR FRIENDSHIPS.

Well, as is
increasingly common in my oddball and obsessive existence, this has
birthed many an important thought which is now officially snowballing
and snowballing fast. The lists are breeding lists and contracts with
myself are being adhered to and an inability to say words without
flailing my hands around for dramatic emphasis is prominent.

I emailed Calum.

Look. I'm your favourite
person and you're my favourite person and we live apart and maybe
right now things are happening that mean all of our grad school plans
might change. And we're acting like that is the end of the world. But
what if for serious this is the universe offering us an amazing
opportunity to do something together? We should pay attention to what
we are being told because it says in The Celestine Prophecy that
everything happens for a reason and that we must heed the omens and
maybe I'm getting mixed up with The Alchemist but the sentiment is the
same.

And then I
officially gave him a business proposal, but I told him not to make a
decision right now because Mercury is in retrograde.

WHAT? He
said.

The day before I
had been at work, and during a lull found myself at the reception
desk with the secretaries, my boss, and another teacher. We were
talking about the woes of many people we know. I thought about my friend Olivia, who when I complain to about Shit Things waves a hand
and says, “It'll be Mercury at work.”

“You know,” I
said to the assembled staff. “I'll bet Mercury is in retrograde.”

I was met with
blank stares.

“For serious.
Mercury is the planet of communication- actually, it's my ruling
planet as a Gemini. It's responsible for effective understanding and
fluid activity and other good stuff.”

More blank stares.

“But a few times
a year, because of the position of Earth and Mercury and... well. I
don't know what else. That isn't important. What's important is that
Mercury can appear to be moving backwards in the sky, what we call
being in retrograde.”

Blankness.

“When Mercury
appears to be moving backwards, it signifies back steps and set-backs
and backwardness on earth.” I started to get excited, warming to
my theme. “And I'll bet, what with all of these sad things
happening within a few short days of each other to all the people we
love, Mercury is in retrograde right now.” I threw my hands up in
the air. “That explains it!”

Blank, blank,
blank.

And then:
“PAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That's not a thing!” they cried.

“It's totally a
thing!”

“What a load of
tosh,” somebody said.

So I got all sassy
and offended because I enjoy being laughed at when I am trying to be
funny but when I'm doing stuff For Serious I don't like to be
ridiculed because I am human and have feelings and stuff, and so I
was all, GOOGLE IT! And so we did, and it turns out Mercury is
totally in retrograde right now and so the moral of the story is that
I win at life. THE END.

In response to
Calum being all like, I'm sorry Mercury? Retrograde? What? I
told him my story about what happened at work and then was all,
Accept what I am saying and let's not do decisions until after
April 4^th when Mercury's retrograde spell
ends and then he was like, LAURA. Did you just give me a
serious business proposal within the context of an astrology lesson?
And I was all like, URM. YES. OF COURSE. WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
And he was all like, AND THAT IS THE PROBLEM, THAT YOU ARE
ASKING ME TO GO INTO BUSINESS WITH YOU AND YOUR PLANETARY ALIGNMENTS
AND YET YOU DO NOT SEE THE PROBLEM WITH IT, and then it was my
turn to do blank staring, because really, what?

And then I
remembered, d'uh, he won't fully understand what I am trying to
communicate because MERCURY IS IN RETROGRADE and so I've given him a
week to let it marinade and then our Facebook communications will be
much more efficient without the troubles of the planets crossing our
wires.

YOU, MERCURY! YOU
AND YOUR TRICKS!

It's a good job
that I am on top of all this. Honestly.