It's time to stop being Butt-Fucked.
One
of the hardest things for me to do is recognise my own worth.
Even
in some of the most meaningful and lengthy relationships I have, I find it
difficult to say you aren’t treating me
how I deserve to be treated.
Intrinsically,
this is laced with I demand that you give
me more than you are. But, in my
imagination, saying I SHOULD BE GETTING
MORE translates to, you think you’re
so. Fucking. Awesome. Don’t you? Who the hell are you, anyway?
I
don’t want to have a conversation with anybody
wherein I risk an accusation of immodesty or inflated ego- maybe because on some
unconscious level I am accusing myself of the same goddamn thing. Such is the
nature of not always knowing your merit. Or worse, being afraid of just how
awesomely high your significance on this here planet earth is.
It’s
ridiculously easy to become the Baby that gets put in the corner when you volunteer for the position.
Generally
I avoid any type of confrontation about needing more from anyone or anything, however mild, by accepting my own
role in any undesirable dynamic. I might not be readily able to change others,
but I can change my own behaviour at forcible whim. I take responsibility for
myself (a useful tool for personal development), and then of everybody else (a
less useful tool for personal development).
When
I do this, I modify myself at the
sacrifice of honouring myself.
And I
am a smart girl. I can use my words like a weapon, spearing a victim with the
spike of my tongue as I drip the poison of their thoughts and truths onto the
mirror of my own wounds. I can be a real bitch, when I want to be.
But
surprisingly, it takes me a while to get there.
Deep
down, I believe in love and life and doing unto others as you would have them
do to you. And I believe this so fervently that when I am wronged it isn’t a
natural reaction to assign accountability to another party. I blame me. And
sometimes, I let this happen for a really long time. With acquaintances or
‘friends’, with co-workers or entire organisations, often I
can’t quite manage to say, YOU. YOU NEED TO GIVE ME MORE, OR ELSE WE DON’T HAVE
A DEAL.
And
so, here, now, on this tiny little piece of the Internet, I am saying it. YOU.
YOU DON’T GET TO DEFINE THE TERMS OF MY LIFE; NO MATTER WHAT PART YOU PLAY IN
IT.
I DO,
MOTHERFUCKER.
Maybe,
Internet, this is something we can do together. How often do we agree to the unspoken
rules of a relationship, a dynamic- from work to friends to lovers- because on
some level, deep down inside of our kind, frail, gentle souls, we don’t believe
we have the right to expect any more?
How
often do we nod and whisper in a small weak voice, OK, when actually it is NOT OK that you aren’t being paid a fair
wage, or your boss shows zero respect for your accomplishments, or that same
person laughs every time you share your dream as if to say, YOU CAN’T DO THAT,
YOU SILLY FOOL!
Every
time we concede to these influences in our lives, a tiny part of our self-worth
gets taken away from us- and it is eleventy thousand times easier to subtract
than it is to add, because every time we subtract we get weaker, and it takes
somebody strong and powerful and in control of themselves to say ENOUGH. I AM
WOMAN AND SO HEAR ME ROAR.
Every
time we assist the subtraction, we fuel the other part of the dark voice
inside, the one that says, WHO ARE YOU TO EXPECT ANYTHING? BE GRATEFUL FOR THE
LITTLE THAT YOU DO GET. The weaker we allow ourselves to become, the louder we
allow The Voice of Ridiculousness to be, until The Voice of Awesome- the one
who knows exactly what she should tolerate and what she should not- cannot be
heard any more.
And
then the battle is lost.
Well.
It stops now. I work hard, and I believe in my triumphs- and my woes- and I
slip up as much as the next guy, but essentially I is good, I is kind, and I is important.
I am
a capable and intelligent woman, and sometimes that scares people. THAT IS NOT
MY FAULT.
I
work hard, and deserve to have my victories and contributions recognised as an
important part in the success of the team I am in. THAT IS A FAIR EXPECTATION.
I am
loving and fun and caring and emotionally considerate. I SHOULD GET THE SAME.
Telling
the world you know what you are willing to bargain on, and where the hard lines
are, admitting to yourself that your strengths and powers and knowledge are unique and special, results in the
happiness of your dreams. But
you have to believe it all before everybody else will.
Can
we all believe in our self-worth together?
I’ll do it if you do.
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