Darby & Joan: March 2013
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| Darby & Joan are the quintessential middle-aged British couple, characterised by knitwear, hours of scrabble, and a penchant for staying in on Saturday nights. Darby and Joan are, in fact, @calummcswiggan and me. Read the Darby and Joan back catalogue here. |
Dear
Darby,
So, I
was reading back through our emails yesterday, because after Beyonce is Sad our Facebook thread
is my favourite thing on the Internet. Third is your blog, obvs, especially
after I met a stranger at a dinner two weeks ago and he said ‘Eat Gay Love? I
love that site!’ and I got to say that you’re my friend and it was like knowing
somebody famous.
SOMEBODY
FAMOUS WHO I’VE HEARD VOMIT AFTER TOO MANY WHITE WINE SPRITZERS.
Anyway,
I’m obsessed with you, and I love looking through our messages to one another
because, despite the fact that you are 1,476.6 miles away, or maybe because you’re 1,476.6 miles away, I
like to know what you’re having for your tea and if you are keeping regular.
Lucky for me you keep that green button on all day long so that we can
successfully run real-time commentary on Harry Styles as if we’re lay on my
living room floor together, counting out our pic n mix and listening to Kylie.
From: Calum
To: Laura
2nd February
He
said to me, “I love how you just talk to anyone and everyone- you just talk
rubbish, but everyone instantly loves you.”
Isn’t
that what I said to you once?
From: Calum
To: Laura
5th February
This
new job is all the things. I mean- this office business is all new to me.
Meetings and phone calls and all the emails in the world and middle aged men in
suits coming to me for advice? Company Blackberries and laptops and a fry-up
delivered to my desk? What is life? What is going on?
From: Calum
To: Laura
6th February
As
the saying goes in Slupsk: “Sometimes you must drink milk right out of the
goat, because it costs two rubles instead of three rubles.”
From: Calum
To: Laura
9th February
I’m
now allergic to nuts. The Gibraltar hospital is like a five star hotel. Also,
you had your purse stolen in Rome? Mama told me. Why do I not know what you had
for breakfast?!
Well,
actually I do. You had hand-squeezed orange juice because you put it on
Twitter. But that’s beside the point.
From: Calum
To: Laura
9th February
You
just found a used condom in a box of files? Of course you did. I once got lube
on the toaster. It happens.
From: Calum
To: Laura
12th February
I was
writing to say I don’t know every detail of your life and it makes me unhappy.
Facebook says that we spoke yesterday. TOO LONG AGO.
From: Calum
To: Laura
12th February
How
old are the kids you’re volunteering with? People I would date, or like kids kids?
From: Calum
To: Laura
13th February
I’m
on the Pink News homepage.
From: Calum
To: Laura
14th February
My
boss: Can you send a Valentine to Jeff Brazier please?
Me:
YES.
From: Calum
To: Laura
14th February
Emails
from editor of Attitude magazine, and the leader of the equal marriage
campaign. I’ve been called an inspiration and a cunt, a dozen people have
messaged me, and I’ve been asked to help with lifting the blood ban in
Australia by an Aussie LGBT foundation.
That’s
a lot to take in in 24 hours.
From: Calum
To: Laura
16th February
Have
been asked to go on morning radio on Monday. Obviously.
From Calum
To: Laura
17th February
Skype
tonight, yes. I did leaving Facebook on all day yesterday, but when you didn’t
call I assumed you were just having sex or changing people’s lives.
From: Calum
To: Laura
18th February
The
entire office have got up and run to the windows. Everyone is looking outside
with both horror and fascination. Do you know why? Because it is raining.
#lifeinspain
From: Calum
To: Laura
19th February
Gibraltar is now underwater. All the
power is out, the king’s bastion is now a waterfall, the sewers have exploded
into fountains. We can hear all the sirens from here, the border has come to a
complete standstill. Everybody went home from work and nobody's going in
tomorrow. IT'S JUST A BIT OF RAIN.
From: Calum
To: Laura
19th February
In other news, a monkey banged on the
window today.
From: Calum
To: Laura
20th February
I’m hanging my head in shame.
Attached is a video of me in an advert for a nationwide bingo chain.
From: Calum
To: Laura
21st February
Just so you know, I can teach you to open a bottle of
wine with nothing more than a shoe. That is what gay best friends are for.
From: Calum
To: Laura
21st February
Will
you send me poetry every day?
From: Calum
To: Laura
21st February
Even
if I were addressing Uganda after just being crowded their king, I’d still open
with HIYA!
From: Calum
To: Laura
21st February
“James
Cordon gives me ladywood” SAID NOBODY EVER.
From: Calum
To: Laura
22nd February
(Still eating cake.)
From: Calum
To: Laura
22nd February
The
Gibraltar government offers free gym membership and leisure facilities to tax
payers, which is weird, but also quite good.
I
think that, as a country, because it’s so small, they probably just keep all
the tax money in a suitcase.
From: Calum
To: Laura
22nd February
I
bring a backpack to work everyday, and all it has in it is chocolate.
From: Calum
To: Laura
22nd February
Why
is there video footage and photos from the Pistorius trial? I thought
photographers weren’t allowed in courtrooms?
I
don’t know why I’m asking you and not Google. I just think you know everything.
From: Calum
To: Laura
22nd February
Also,
everyone seems kind of angry and convinced that he did it, yet I’m inclined to
go the other way. I haven’t read anything that makes him seem guilty… Have you?
Can you link me?
(Again,
assuming you know everything.)
From: Calum
To: Laura
22nd February
Easter
weekend. Big Gay Weekend. I will book and confirm, if you’re still free?
From: Calum
To: Laura
22nd February
I had
an epiphany in my lunch break.
From: Calum
To: Laura
22nd February
Don’t tell strangers that your coat is your blow job
coat. Or do. Why filter yourself now after 26 years?
MY FRIDAY NIGHT IS SPINNING AROUND IN MY OFFICE CHAIR.
From: Calum
To: Laura
23rd February
A task?
Like telling you what to wear? I’m not even sure I want to know. I quite like
the juxtaposition of it though- the opera and sexting. It’s poetic.
From: Calum
To: Laura
23rd February
Not
that I don’t care, but I’m gonna curve ball the shit out of this conversation
now.
From: Calum
To: Laura
25th February
I
bought a Diet Coke to make me feel better. I haven’t drunk one in quite a
while, and now I feel sick.
From: Calum
To: Laura
25th February
We
have to buy tickets? You can’t just turn up and go lemme in now please Mr Bouncer here’s my ID and I am over the age of
18?
Is
that to keep the riff raff out?
I
like keeping the riff raff out.
Sometimes
people think I *am* the riff raff.
From: Calum
To: Laura
25th February
If
you ever call me ‘mate’ again I’ll cut off your fingers. That’s what I say to
straight men when I’m uncomfortable.
From: Calum
To: Laura
25th February
I
like it when you send me things. I’m going to send you more things. Do you like
gay porn?
From: Calum
To: Laura
26th February
You’ve read three books already this week? Fuck me
sideways with a broom and a swordfish.
From: Calum
To: Laura
29th February
I wish you wrote a blog everyday so I could always
have something awesome to read on my lunch break.
Darby-
you always give me something awesome
to read on my lunch break.
I
adore you for it.
Your
Joan x
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